​

(Addressing the Committee members) We have begun to make some alterations. I intend to make many changes. For example, nurses should never be obliged to leave their floor, except for their own dinner and supper. I want a windlass installation. A lift to bring up the patients’ food. Without a system of this kind, the nurse is nothing more than a pair of legs.

This is rather revolutionary. Where are we going to find such a system?
You will have to go out into London and find it. This is 1853 and we must get modernised. We’ve never had to organise anything like this before.

There’s always a first time. I want the bells of the patients to ring in the passage outside the nurses’ door. There should be a valve that flies open so the nurses may see who has rung.

I’ve sat on this Committee for many years and I have no intention of walking the streets to find such gadgets... even if they do exist!

(Impatiently) We take in our first patients in ten days. We have to finish an almost empty house in that time.

I am worried about the patients who will be staying here. They must sign that they belong to the Church of England.

The hospital will take in all denominations, Catholics and Jews alike.

(General confusion and protests) Not possible. Never. Church of England only... etc.

In that case you had better find yourself another Superintendent. I bid you all good day.

Wait!

(Pause) Well?

Perhaps we were a little hasty.

I don’t agree Beatrice. We can’t have all denominations wandering around the place. Church of England patients would be most disturbed.

You are aware of my views on this matter. If I am to stay I insist, in writing, that we take all denominations!

It appears we have very little choice. (Pause)  We agree to your request.

I think, under the circumstances, we must ask you to receive visitors of other denominations at the door, take them upstairs yourself and remain with them. 

And ensure the visitor does not speak to, or look at, anyone else.      

And then show them personally out into the street.

You are making my work very difficult. For the moment I am prepared to make this compromise. So, if you feel there are no more complications, I should like to continue arranging things in the hospital for the first patients. Good afternoon. (General murmurings as the Committee exit. Musical introduction. Enter workmen, nurses etc. They all busily continue to prepare the Institution)

THE GADGET SONG

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​

(FLO talks over the musical piece)

(To the workmen) Good morning, gentlemen.

Mornin’ miss.

This is fine work that you are doing but there is much left to do and so little time left in which to do it.

Why, thank you Miss Nightingale.

(FLO walks over to address the nurses)

Make sure you disinfect the walls, scrub all the floors and put fresh paint on the ceiling.

Very well madam.

If we’re to get the patients well again, we must give them a sense of purpose and they will soon improve. (Walking on to address other nurses) Make sure you throw out all those rags and (Grimacing) burn that filthy linen. And you must promise me faithfully that every day the beds will be changed and washed in the appropriate way.

Yes, Miss Nightingale.
(Inquisitively) What are you doing, exactly?

(Sing) WE’RE SIEVING THE COAL, SIEVING THE COAL

TO MAKE THE FIRES BURN BRIGHT

(Sing) AND WE’RE AIRING THE BEDS, AIRING THE BEDS

SO PATIENTS SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT

(Sing) WHAT ARE ALL THESE PIPES FOR?
OUTSIDE THERE’S A LOT MORE
WHAT’S THE POINT IN THESE?
HOW WILL THEY BE USED TO FIGHT DISEASE?
DO YOU NOT THINK WE’RE TAKING THIS ALL TOO FAR?

(Talking) Flowing hot and cold water straight to every floor, sir.

(To a nurse) See those cracked jugs, they breed a million bugs. So will you take them away and dispense with them permanently!

(Singing to an inquisitively looking Beatrice)

WE’RE BUILDING A LIFT, BUILDING A LIFT

FROM THE ROOF TO THE FLOOR

WE’RE PUTTING IN GAS, PUTTING IN GAS

THERE’LL BE LIGHTS BY THE SCORE

(Talking) Patients must not shout for help so we’re going to allocate each one with their own bell. When the patients pull on the handle, the nurses will see it swing backwards and forwards to indicate who requires help.

(Sing) WHEN THEY START RINGING THEIR BELL

RINGING THEIR BELL, WE CAN INSTANTLY TELL

WHO’S REQUIRING HELP
THERE’LL BE WATER ON TAP, WATER ON TAP

NO MORE TRIPS TO THE WELL

WE’VE A BRAND NEW INSTITUTE FOR THE CARE OF

SICK GENTLEWOMEN IN DISTRESSED CIRCUMSTANCES

​

                                                   (Song ends)
 

(Short, fading instrumental reprise Music 5a. MD’s keyboard only. Workers and nurses make preparations. Eventually FLO exits. Enter a WORKER and TREASURER of the Institute)

I hear Miss Nightingale called you into her office.

Yes, I’m afraid so. 

You look miserable. What did she say?

I told her I’d been a treasurer for many years and it wasn’t possible to pay bills weekly.

Too much work. 

Who does she think she is anyway?

Too bossy.

You can say that again.

Too bossy.

I make the financial decisions, I said. 

She’s going too far.     

Do you know what she said?      

I can’t imagine.

She said I would be personally responsible for any loss of money.

What did you say?

I told her it was too much work.

Too much work.

Then she said I would have to sign a statement each week.

Did you agree?

Did I agree?

(Pause) Well?

I had no choice.

What now?

I have to prepare the bills weekly. (TREASURER starts to exit) Too much work.

(Exit WORKER following TREASURER) Far too much work.

(Enter nurses MABEL, MEG carrying a bag and MARGE carrying a bucket)

I’ve never grafted so ‘ard in me life. I’ve cleaned out all the cupboards and storerooms. 

This house ‘asn’t been lived in for ages Meg. ‘Ere, you ’aven’t found anything interesting where you bin cleaning, have you Mabel? Like a skelenton or summut?

Only a ‘uge rat in the cellars.

You must ‘ave bin very brave Mabel. Cleanin’ out them cellars and facin’ a rat all by yourself. I’d ‘ave been terrified.

It was nothin’. I was told to search for brushes ‘n’ brooms and that.

Did you find any?

Na.

Talkin’ of skeletons... I ’eard one was found in a cupboard.

Shush! Don’t talk about such things Meg. You’ll be giving me the shivers!   

It’s true. Look. (Takes bone from a bag) ‘ere’s one of its bones. (MARGE screams, drops her bucket loudly on the floor and rushes off to a corner. MEG giggles)  You’d believe anything Marge. It’s just an old bone for me dog. 

I fair felt me ‘eart go all of a flutter. 

Did you see that delivery of jam the other day? I found some on the kitchen shelf. It cost one shillin’ a pot.

What was it? Made special for ‘er Majesty?

(Grinning) Victoria plum p’raps?

I showed it to Miss Nightingale. Furious she was.

Why was that?

Too expensive. She said from now on we are going to make all our own jam in the kitchens, at a cost of only three and a ‘alf pennies a pound.

Blackberry ‘spect. A ton of it growin’ along the canal.

Lots of currents down in the canal too.

(Groans and giggles. Enter DELIVERY PERSON with a delivery note in hand)

Mornin’ all. I’ve a delivery for (Reads from delivery note)  ‘The Institute for the Care of

Sick Gentlewomen in Distressed Circumstances’. What a mouthful.

Less of yer cheek. Where ‘ave you come from?

All the way from Fortnum and Mason. Where shall I put the boxes?

You had better take them through there.

Thanks. (Yelling off)  Okay you lot. This way.

(A line of people processes through, carrying an array of odd boxes)

I’ve never seen so many boxes delivered at once Mabel.

Miss Nightingale’s new approach Marge. Buy everything in bulk and at wholesale prices.

Come on. We’d better give them a hand to unpack everything.

Next you know they’ll be bringing in the patients in bulk!

(Exit MEG, MARGE and MABEL laughing)