ACT TWO

SCENE 2:        ​   A CORRIDOR IN THE BARRACK HOSPITAL, SCUTARI

(An air of urgency and confusion. Patients come and go. Enter MR WARD, the hospital Purveyor, carrying a large folder. He is pursued by DR LAWSON carrying a form)

Mister Ward. Mister Ward. May I have brief word with you?

Yes. What is it? I am in rather a hurry Doctor Lawson.

I have a patient who needs a special diet. I’ve made out the form authorising the diet, could you supply the necessary food?

Let me see it? (Reads form) Doctor Lawson, this form has only been countersigned by one other person. There have to be two signatures.

An unfortunate oversight Mister Ward. I’ll be right back.

(Exit DR LAWSON. Enter DR SMITH carrying a folder full of forms)

There you are Mister Ward. I’ve been looking all over the hospital for you. I wish I could disappear as easily as you seem to.

(Sarcastically) I can’t fathom why you haven’t discovered me before Doctor Smith. I haven’t moved from this area for... oh what?... the past thirty minutes at least I’d say.

Several of the men in my ward need additional medical comforts, such as arrowroot and wine. Also, most of the rice I had yesterday was in extremely poor condition. Do you have any reasonable rice in store?

Doctor Smith I don’t buy the food.

As the hospital Purveyor, you’re supposed to supply us with everything we need and in good condition.

It may have escaped your notice Doctor Smith, but we’re in the middle of a war. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve complained to Commissariat many times but this isn’t Knightsbridge and I certainly ain’t in the luxurious position of running a subsidiary of Harrod’s food hall. (Taking a slip of paper from his folder) This is a complaints form. If you’d care to fill it in, I’ll try to see they get it. Now, if you’ve got your docket, I’ll authorise the issuing of some extra rice. (DR SMITH hands MR WARD the docket)

Not before time. Thank you.

(Starts to fill in the complaints form. Enter DR MENZIES)

Good morning Doctor Smith.

Morning Doctor Menzies.

Mister Ward. I’ve a group of soldiers who have arrived without forks, spoons or knives.

(Sarcastically) And they’ve all arrived without fingers as well, eh, Doctor Menzies?

(Biting) This is no time to be flippant. They do not even possess a single shirt between them. They were ordered to leave their packs in the field after the last battle. I desperately need these items!

You may be the Senior Medical Officer Doctor Menzies, but how many times do I have to tell you... I am not permitted to order or supply anything that is not on my official list.

(Barks)... But these men lie half naked on filthy floors, eating food with their bare hands!

And how would you know? You rarely visit the wards nowadays.

I rely heavily on reports from other doctors. Office work has to come first.

Then you’ll know how I feel. I’m buried under a mountain of paperwork. I repeat Doctor Menzies, I cannot consider any requisitions for articles that are not on my list!

(Enter JOHN, a hospital Orderly with two pieces of paper)

Sorry to butt in Mister Ward.
Yes. What is it John?

Here’s your record of the ‘diet roll’. This is your duplicate copy Doctor Menzies.
Thank you John. (Exit JOHN)

(Superciliously) Was there anything else Doctor Menzies?

Just get me the shirts! (Exit DR MENZIES)

(Awkward pause) If you could sign that docket, I’ll get the rice from the stores.

Ah, rice. Yes. I’d quite forgotten.

(He begins to check and sign the docket. Enter EDWARD a hospital Orderly)

Yes Edward?

A patient in ward two urgently needs your attention sir.

It’s out of the question. I have to get these forms to the Inspector General within ten minutes. See if one of the other doctors can attend to the problem.

(As EDWARD exits) Right away Doctor Smith. 

Here’s your docket.

(Condescendingly) I‘m obliged... as always... Mister Ward. Here’s my complaints form. (Exit DR SMITH. Exit MR WARD mumbling incoherently under his breath)