How’s things in your ward John.

Not too bad Edward. Things are starting to stink a bit. Usual thing, sewers blocked again.

I’ve given up in my ward. I just leaves the bins to overflow. You’re lucky to ‘ave a sewer.

(Noticing the new Orderly) Who’s that over there? I ain’t seen ‘im before.

Must be the new Orderly. Hey, you! What are doin’ in ‘ere?

I just arrived. I started today. The last Orderly in my section got well again. He made so much progress they sent him back to battle this morning. T’was Doctor Menzies who told me to report ‘ere to the kitchen.

What’s your name son? 

George.

I’m Edward and this is John. We’ve bin Orderlies for several weeks. I s’pose you’ve bin sent to pick up the meat and the wine for the men in your section?

Do the men have wine? I’ve never seen any soldiers drinking wine!

Course not. Them men’s too ill to appreciate it, so we ‘elps ‘em out. Drinks it for ‘em, like. 

(JOHN and EDWARD laugh)

I’m not sure what I have to do. What are you two waiting for?

We’re waiting for our meat to get done. If you ‘ang on Mister Ward will be along in a minute to give you your rations. Mister Ward’s the Army Supply Officer.

(Pointing to the Turkish copper) What’s this?

Them’s one of them Turkish coppers. We don’t ‘ave any kettles or saucepans. We cooks everythin’ we eat and drink in one of (Points) them things. 

(Enter MR WARD, carrying a very scraggy piece of meat, two bottles of port and a folder)

Where’s the new Orderly?

Here sir.

Stop your dithering and get yourself over here. Now, listen carefully. Each Orderly gets one piece of meat and two bottles of port wine for his section. Here’s your meat and there’s the two bottles.

(Gazing at the pitiful portion of meat) Is this all I get?

Those what argue about the size of their rations get less next time. Then they find out they’re not very popular with the men in their section. (GEORGE walks away) Where d’you think you’re going? Sign for your meat and wine.

I can’t write.

Make your mark here, or else you don’t get any food. (GEORGE puts a cross on the paper) Good. That’s done, then. See you all tomorrow. (Exit MR WARD mumbling incoherently under his breath)

As you’re new we’ll show you the ropes.

And you’d better make sure you listens very careful like to what we say. 

We’ve got a system ‘ere and we don’t want no newcomer mucking it up, see. Give me yer meat. Take that bandage off yer arm John. (He starts to wrap the bandage around the meat)

Why are you wrapping my meat in that old bandage?

‘Cos them what can’t recognise their meat when it comes out of the boiler don’t get no meat. ‘Cos the others pinches it see.

(Taking a large nail out of his pocket) I got a spare nail. You can stick that in the meat as well Edward. (EDWARD sticks the nail into the meat and throws it into the Turkish copper)

That nail was a bit rusty. Will the meat be all right?

You’re a right one fer complainin’. Just think yourself lucky that you’ll know which is yours when all the meat comes back out.

Do the men get vegetables with their meat?

Vegetables! Vegetables! Did you ‘ear that John. Do the men get vegetables with their meat? This ain’t Buckingh’m Palace. (Laughter)

They’re fortunate to get real meat. (Leans over the copper) I reckon ours is done proper now Edward.

Right. Fish around and get out our pieces then Johnny boy.

Who’s this one with a sock on it?

Not ours. I’ve ‘eard of needin’ extra flavour, but that’s pushin’ it. Chuck it back before I start heaving. Stinks worse than over ripe Stilton.

‘ere’s ours and yours as well George.

But you only just put it in. Can’t be ready yet.

Has to be mate. I just put me ‘and in and the water’s gone cold. There don't seem to be anymore wood for the fire, so I suggests you stops yer complainin’.

(JOHN starts to break up his meat into small pieces)

What are you doing with your meat? 

Dividing it up of course. Now let’s see. Frankie died last night, so that leaves eight in my section. (Counts out the pieces as he breaks them) Thass one, two, three, four, five, six, seven and eight.

No... That’s only five!

Funny, I thought I counted out enough for eight. Let’s see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. It was eight... see!

I tell you there’s only five. You fink I can't count?

(Starting to shout) Wass wrong wiv you? One more time... just for you. Right. Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, bone, bone, bone. Thass eight innit John?

Spot on Ed.

But that’s only five pieces of meat. Five portions right.

Listen ‘ere. Some’s lucky and gets meat. Ovvers, who ain’t quite so lucky, ends up with bone. Now, out of my way. I need a bucket of water from the copper.    

Why’s that? 

Don’t you ever stop asking questions! Them soldiers on a spoon diet can’t swallow like the rest of us, so they gets the water the meat’s bin cooked in.

I might as well make myself useful. I’ll clean out the copper.

(Panics) Don’t do that! How we gonna make the tea if you empties out the water?

What do you mean?

Caw you ain’t ‘alf ‘ard work.

Ignorant.

Yeah that as well. Look, water is in short supply. So we tops up what’s left in the copper and adds the tea. They can’t tell the difference when it’s bin stirred around a bit.

Come on you two. It ain’t gonna ‘urt if the men wait awhile for their food. Let’s find a quiet corner to drink this port. Tryin’ to get through to woodenhead ‘ere’s given me a shockin’ thirst.

SKIN AND BONE

​

​

(Over musical introduction) Don’t forget, I want me bandage back when you’ve finished with it. This way. Down to the Quartermaster’s place. He’s never in. 

(Exit JOHN, EDWARD and GEORGE, hugging the bottles of port wine. Enter a group of wounded soldiers, some on crutches, to sing the song ‘Skin and Bone’)

I LIE AWAKE ALL NIGHT

DREAMING OF ROAST BEEF AND YORKSHIRE PUDDING

FOLLOWED BY APPLE PIE AND

OODLES AND OODLES OF CREAM

I’D LIKE TO WASH IT DOWN WITH A

PINT OF REAL COOL BEER

IT’S ALL A DISTANT DREAM AND

NOTHIN’ LIKE WE’RE GIVEN ‘ERE!

THEY GIVE US SKIN AND BONE (Vomit, spit)

LOTS OF SKIN AND BONE (Vomit, spit)
AND WHEN WE START TO MOAN
THEY GIVE US EVEN MORE SKIN AND BONE

IT’S ALL SINEW AND GRISTLE (Vomit, spit)
SO DRY WE CAN’T EVEN WHISTLE (Vomit and shout Yuk!)

AND THE SOUND OF US CHEWING’S LIKE
DONKEYS EATING THISTLES

YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE WAY THEY
MARK THE MEAT FOR RECOGNITION
THEY’RE WRAPPED IN BANDAGES AND
CLOTHES FROM MEN IN FESTERING CONDITIONS

THESE ARE HELD ON WITH NAILS AND

WEIGHED DOWN ON THE BOTTOM WITH ROCKS

AND WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF MARKERS
THEY RESORT TO USING DIRTY MEN’S SOCKS

IT COMES OUT TASTIN’ OF CHEESE (Vomit, spit)

A SORT OF PARMESAN CHEESE (Vomit, spit)

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE THOUGHT OF
SKIN AND BONE TASTIN’ LIKE CHEESE

NO WONDER WE GET DISEASE
EATING SUBSTITUTE CHEESE
AND IF YOU’RE FEELIN’ SICK
WE HAVEN’T EVEN MENTIONED THE FLEAS

OH YES, IT’S COVERED IN FLEAS

THIS MEAT THAT’S TASTIN’ OF CHEESE

AND WHEN YOU STOP TO THINK
YOU WONDER WHAT THEY USE FOR...

PEAS!

​

                                           (Song ends)

(Exit the group of wounded soldiers)