As you are aware my dear friend Sidney Herbert, the Secretary at War, has appointed me as the Superintendent of the nurses to be sent out to the English General Hospitals in Turkey. It is now six months since the war broke out. I shall be going to the Crimea soon and it is important that I take the best possible nurses we can find. I have been informed we have funds for the appointment of forty nurses. Have you interviewed many nurses Mrs Bracebridge?

We have had scarcely forty applications, despite scouring the whole of London. Several of the nurses from your Institute have applied. Most of the candidates come from the humblest class. My husband has tried to help. He hired one of those fast Hansom Cabs and went charging around the streets at ten miles an hour! He’s lucky to be alive, racing around at such a speed.

There have been several letters of recommendation, but they are almost not worth mentioning. (She reads) ‘Maid of all work. Very poor’. Here’s another... ‘Has been for two days at St. George’s Hospital’.

Hardly the most experienced group of nurses Mary.

Indeed not Lady Cranworth.

Fortunately some of the nurses have been sent to us by religious bodies.

The religious institutions are far more reliable.

I hope it is clear Lady Canning, that we select all nuns with a view to their fitness and not with regard to their religious creed.

That has been arranged where possible. There are eight Roman Catholic nuns, five from a convent in Bermondsey and three from an orphanage in Norwood.

I’m afraid the group is rather mixed.

Nuns are very devoted but they are fit more for heaven than a hospital. They move about the patients like angels calming their souls, whilst they leave their bodies dirty and neglected.

Many of the nurses seem more concerned about drink.

THE RULES SONG

​

​

(Talks as soon as the music starts) In order for the nurses to gain respect, I’m going to have to mould this undisciplined collection of women into an efficient force. I shall have to have absolute and unquestioned authority. My word must be law. You all have a copy of the rules. We will invite in the first group of nurses and make the position clear.

(The door opens and an odd assortment of ‘nurses’ enter to musical accompaniment. Music introduction to ’The Rules Song’ begins)

Please come this way. Stand over here in a line. We have a few things to tell you before your appointments.

MISCONDUCT WITH SOLDIERS MEANS INSTANT DISMISSAL

YOU’LL BE SENT HOME THIRD CLASS, STRAIGHT AWAY

WITH SALT RATIONS AND WATER
SOMEONE’S DISGRACED DAUGHTER

SO LET THERE BE NO ROMANCE WITH THE MEN

NO BEAUTIFYING WITH MAKE-UP OR RIBBONS

WE MUST NOT EXCITE NOR ENCOURAGE THE MEN

AND NO PRETTY LADIES WILL BE ALLOWED OUT THERE

WE MUSTN’T RAISE THE BLOOD OF A WOUNDED MAN

(Mutterings of discontent from the nurses during short music break)

DRINKING IN EXCESS
WILL NOT BE PERMITTED
YOU’VE GOT TO KEEP A CLEAR HEAD WHEN UNDER FIRE

YOU MUST GO OUT IN GROUPS
NO SINGLE GIRLS WITH TROOPS
AND NEVER EVER TRUST ‘EM ‘COS THEY’RE PROBABLY LIARS

NO WASHING YOUR LAUNDRY
IN FRONT OF THE SOLDIERS
WE MUST NOT EXCITE NOR ENCOURAGE THE MEN

AND NO PATRONISING OR FLIRTING WITH SOLDIERS

WE MUSTN’T RAISE THE BLOOD OF A WOUNDED MAN

Are you serious?

I’ve never been so upset in all me life.

We didn’t expect to be treated like this!

I’m tempted to change me mind.

​

(Sing) RULES! RULES! NOTHING BUT RULES

ARE WE ALL TO BE TREATED LIKE SCHOOL CHILDREN

DRAB LOOKING WOMEN WITH NO TIME TO DO AS THEY PLEASE

WE DON’T CALL THAT GRATITUDE

RULES! RULES! WHO MADE THESE RULE

ARE THEY ALL REALLY NECESS’RY

WE DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE

I CAME FOR A WORTHY CAUSE

(Talking) Came for a worthy cause?

(Sing) NO YOU DIDN’T, YOU CAME FOR THE MONEY! (Laughter)

AH! BUT LOOK AT THIS CLAUSE! (Tapping sheets of paper) 

(Talking)  Let’s have a look at this clause!

THIS IS NOT VERY FUNNY

​

SEE HERE LOOK AT THIS RULE
WE MUST ALL BE OVER FOURTEEN STONE!
FAT AND UGLY WITH SPOTS ON OUR FACE, I SUPPOSE?

IT’S SO UNBELIEVABLE

GOOD LORD WHO COULD BELIEVE
THEY COULD MAKE SUCH RIDICULOUS RULES!
WE’RE IN DANGER OF LOOKING A RIGHT BUNCH OF FOOLS

GIRLS. THERE’S
RULES. RULES. NOTHING BUT RULES!
RULES. RULES. NOTHING BUT RULES!
RULES! RULES! THERE’S PAGES AND PAGES OF RULES!

COME NOW, YOUNG LADIES

IT’S ALL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

IT’S A DANGEROUS PLACE FOR GIRLS TO GO ON THEIR OWN

ALL THOSE YOUNG SOLDIERS

AWAY FROM THEIR FAM’LIES

YOU’VE GOT TO TAKE GREAT CARE

WHEN YOU’RE SO FAR FROM HOME

SO TAKE THEM AND LEARN THEM

RESPECT THEM, DON’T SPURN THEM

THEY COULD HELP TO SAVE YOU AND

PROTECT YOU FROM MEN

(Talking)  And finally... the good news... For dinner there’ll be 

(Sing) ONE PINT OF BEER EACH
(Talking) For supper
(Sing) A HALF-PINT OF BEER EACH

ONE GLASS OF MARSALA OR AN OUNCE OF BRANDY

(Shouting excitedly) Thass better. Thass more like it.

(Sing) WHEN DO WE ALL SET SAIL?

RULES. RULES. DON’T WORRY ‘BOUT RULES

RULES. RULES. FORGET ALL THESE RULES 

RULES. RULES. WE AIN’T SEEN NO RULES

RULES. RULES. DON’T WORRY ‘BOUT ALL OF THESE RULES!  O.K.!

​

                                     (Song ends)

​

Good! That’s settled then.

There just remains the matter of your uniforms.
Oh good... etc.

I  have heard that Scutari is a disorderly camp and a distinguishing uniform will be necessary for your protection. You’ll find your uniforms in the next room. We will leave you to try them on. Come everyone.

(Exit the Committee. The following dialogue is spoken over the musical introduction. Exit EMMA and RUTH excitedly to look at the uniforms)

What do you imagine they'll look like Meg?

It’s got to be better than what I’ve got on now Mabel.

I’ve dreamt about this moment for days. I ain’t neva gonna look like a servant girl again. Na, neva anymore. T’will be the first time I’ll look decent. Really presentable in front of all me friends.

Something I can call me own. No more beggin’ for rags.

I’ll put my name where everyone can see it.

(DIRECTOR’S NOTE: The uniform consisted of a grey tweed dress, a grey worsted jacket, a plain white cap and a short woollen cloak. Over the shoulders was worn a holland scarf, upon which was embroidered in red the words ‘Scutari Hospital’)

​

THE UNIFORM SONG

I SEE MYSELF IN A UNIFORM OF THE FINEST DESIGN

MADE FROM SILKS AND LACE WITH A VELVET TRACE

TOO GOOD TO DEFINE
I’LL KEEP IT PRESSED, THAT WONDERFUL DRESS

WITH THE MARVELLOUS DESIGN

I’LL FEEL SO PROUD, I’LL WEAR IT ALL OF THE TIME

I’LL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM
A REALLY BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM
I WANT A BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM
I’LL FEEL SO PROUD I’LL WEAR IT ALL OF THE TIME

IN OUR BEAUTIFUL UNIFORMS

THAT FIT LIKE A DREAM

IN MY BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM

WE’LL FEEL LIKE THE QUEEN

IN THAT BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM

WE’LL BE PROUD TO BE SEEN

WE’LL FEEL ELITE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN

WITH MY STARCHED WHITE HAT AND EMBROIDERED CLOAK

WITH THE HOSPITAL’S NAME
I’LL WALK WITH STYLE LIKE THE TITLED LADIES
WHO LIVE IN PARK LANE

WE’LL FEEL ELITE AS WE MARCH DOWN THE STREET

WE’RE PART OF THE FAME
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD LIFE WON’T BE THE SAME

IN OUR BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM 

THAT FIT LIKE A DREAM

A REALLY BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM

WE’LL FEEL LIKE THE QUEEN

IN THAT BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM

WE’LL BE PROUD TO BE SEEN

I’LL FEEL SO PROUD

I’LL WEAR IT ALL OF THE TIME

IN OUR BEAUTIFUL UNIFORMS

THAT FIT LIKE A DREAM

IN MY BEAUTIFUL UNIFORM

WE’LL BE PROUD TO BE SEEN
WE’LL FEEL ELITE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN

(Enter RUTH and EMMA, who have been in the other room examining the uniforms. The next section of dialogue is spoken over a broken rhythmic section)

Hey Marge.

Yes Ruth.

Have you seen your uniform?

No. Why?

You’re going to be very unhappy Marge.

Why? (RUTH and EMMA start laughing)

We’ve seen ‘m.

They’re terrible.

Come and have a look.

​

(The nurses bring in and examine their uniforms over instrumental section)

​

I THINK THAT THESE ARE BLANKETS

NO, THEY’RE UNIFORMS

THIS IS JUST A CHILDISH PRANK 

IT’S YOUR UNIFORM

WELL, I WON’T BE SEEN IN THIS, IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO

I WOULDN’T COMPLAIN IF I WERE YOU

THESE ARE TERRIBLE UNIFORMS

WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN

REALLY HORRIBLE UNIFORMS

STILL FEEL LIKE THE QUEEN?

DISGUSTING UNIFORMS

THE WORST THAT WE’VE SEEN

I THINK I’LL STAY HOME IT’S SUCH A BAD DREAM

YOURS IS ROUND YOUR ANKLES

MINE COMES WELL ABOVE MY KNEES
SO, YOU’VE GOT MINE AND I’VE GOT YOURS
LET’S MAKE AN EXCHANGE, PLEASE
I TRY TO SEE THE BRIGHT SIDE BUT THIS ISN’T A ‘WHEEZE’

I’M GETTING MORE ANNOYED BY INCREASING DEGREES!

THESE ARE TERRIBLE UNIFORMS

WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN

REALLY HORRIBLE UNIFORMS

STILL FEEL LIKE THE QUEEN?

DISGUSTING UNIFORMS

THE WORST THAT WE’VE SEEN

I THINK I’LL STAY HOME, IT’S SUCH A BAD DREAM

WHAT A GOOD IDEA

                                       (Song ends)

​

(All the nurses look somewhat silly in ill-fitting uniforms)

​

Now that we’ve promised to go, I s'ppose there’s no backing out now.

Don’t look like it.

How are we going to get there?

By boat.

I ain’t never been on a boat before.

What’ll happen if the sea gets really rough?

Don’t matter if it does. Once you’ve been sea sick, you don’t worry about a fing.

My friend says, when you feel sea-sick you fink you’re gonna die and when you’ve been sea-sick, you wish you ‘ad died. (General laughter)

We’ll be sailing in a ship called the Vectis.

Not the Vectis! She leaks like a sieve and is crawling with giant cockroaches.

Home from home then. Ain’t it!

Don’t be silly. The Vectis can’t be any worse than your house. (Laughter) I expect we’ll be travellin’ first class anyway.

If the Vectis ‘as got first class on it. Where’s second class then? Bein’ towed along behind, floatin’ on a log? (Laughter)

What do ya think it will be like when we get there? I expect the government ‘as made sure our soldiers ‘ave the best of everything and we’ll sleep between white crisp sheets.

It’s a terrible war. Thousands of people are dying.

Where did Miss Nightingale say we was going

I remember. By ship to France and then to Malta. We end up at a place called Scutari.

Yea, thass it... Scutari. We’ll be working in the Barrack Hospital she said.

Sounds like a big place. The Barrack Hospital.

Probably full of rats and freeezin’ cold. What ‘ave you got in that bag Daisy? (Grabs bag from DAISY) Let’s ‘ave a look. Well... look what I’ve found! (Holds up a bottle of gin)

Give it ‘ere. (Grabs back the bottle) It’s me old favourite. They didn’t say we couldn’t take any extras for the journey, did they?

How much we gonna get paid?

Fourteen shillings a week, including board and lodging.

I’m really looking forward to all that fancy food.

We’ll probably ‘ave to eat army rations, but we’ll earn more than twice as much as you’d get in one of them London hospitals.

What do you think of Miss Nightingale?

She don’t ‘arf like givin’ orders.

Seems terrible strict to me.

(DAISY starts to giggle)

What’s so funny Daisy?

I just ‘ad another look at the way we’re dressed.

You’re right Daisy. We still look silly. Let’s swop a few things round again. Give me your scarf. (They quickly swop things around) That’s worse than when we started. (They all start to giggle. Enter an ATTENDANT)

Everything’s ready for your journey. Pick up them bags and let’s be on our way. There’re crowds of people waiting to see you off.

Goodbye England! Next stop the Barrack Hospital!