I’m afraid space at the hospital is rather restricted. You are a very large party. Three of our doctors have moved out of this section so that you might move in. You have been allocated four rooms in all, plus a kitchen and closet.

Thank you.
If there is nothing else, I will leave you to settle in.

Thank you Doctor Pincoff. I think we can manage to arrange things. (Exit DR PINCOFF)  Well sisters. It’s been a difficult journey and our quarters seem less than desirable. There doesn’t seem to be much in the way of furniture for a start. If you’d all like to unpack your bags, I’ll go and see what I can find in the hospital.

(Exit FLO)

There don’t seem enough space for everyone. We might as well start ‘aving a look round. Some of you look through there for some space while the rest of us start unpacking.
(Exit groups of nurses in various directions)

Did you ‘ear what that doctor said. They moved out three doctors from this space. ‘ow could they work in such a filthy place?

Did you see them injured troops being manhandled off that boat in the ‘arbour. They don’t ‘alf ‘andle ‘em rough, don’t um?

One soldier was bein’ chucked around like a bag of sand Mary.  ‘e fell off the stretcher twice in the short time I was watchin’.

Where’d Miss Nightingale get the money for all the provisions we bought?
From the cash raised in that newspaper appeal.
I never saw nuffin’ ‘bout that.
You wouldn’t would you. You’ll never see nuffin’ if you can’t read Mabel. (Enter MEG)

I’ve bin upstairs and there’s two rooms. There’s only one bed and a couple of chairs.

They must have took nearly everythin’ with ‘um Meg.

What did they think we was goin’ to sleep on then? (Enter RUTH)

I can’t find anythink. Tables, chairs, food... nuffin’.

Even if you found food Ruth, there don’t seem to be anythin’ to cook it on.

(Enter FLO carrying a box of tin basins)

Gather around everybody. (Pause as nurses muster) I’ve had a quick look in the wards... conditions are far worse than I could have possibly imagined. The hospital is totally lacking in equipment. There is no point in asking for furniture... there isn’t any. I couldn’t see one single operating table and there appears to be no medical supplies. For the moment, we must use these tin basins for everything... washing, eating and drinking.

You mean... we ‘ave to do everything in that same dish?
Yes... and you must be prepared to go short of water. You’ll find a small fountain in the

corridor, but you’re limited to one pint a day for washing and drinking.

Each?

Yes. One pint each Daisy. (Continues) In the meantime, in accordance with my strict instruction, you are to give no assistance until we are asked for help. I’ll go and try to get us all a warm drink.
(Exit FLO)

I dunno! I just bin on the most terrible journey I’ve ever bin on in the ‘ole of my life and when I eventual gets ‘ere, I’m told there ain’t no food and ‘ardly enough water to wet the inside of my mouth. This place gets worse by the minute.

DEAD MAN IN MY BED

​

​

(MARGE screams ‘off’, followed immediately by the musical introduction to ‘Dead Man in My Bed’. MARGE races in, looking like she’s seen a ghost)

(Over musical introduction)  What’s wrong Marge? Have you seen a ghost?

I WENT UPSTAIRS TO SEE MY ROOM
I PUT MY CASE DOWN AND TOOK MY COAT OFF

AND FEELING TIRED, I FELT LIKE A SLEEP
I PULLED BACK THE SHEET AND WHAT DID I SEE?

THERE’S A D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D dead man in my bed 

THERE’S A D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D

THERE’S A V-V-V-V-V-V VERY DEAD MAN IN MY BED

THERE’S A DEAD RUSSIAN GENERAL IN MY BED

​

I WAS HORRIFIED AND QUITE TONGUE TIED

HE’S UP THERE EYES OPEN WIDE
I TOUCHED HIS ARM, HIS ARM FELL OFF
I FELT SO SICK, GOT OUTTA THERE QUICK

​

(Repeat) THERE’S A D-D-D-D-D-D-D-... etc.

​

THERE’S A DEAD RUSSIAN GENERAL IN HER BED

DECOMPOSING VERY SLOWLY IN HER BED
THERE’S A ROTTING HUMAN BODY IN HER BED
AND THAT’S AN ASPECT OF THIS NURSING THAT WE DREAD

I NEED A BROOM. FETCH A BROOM
I NEED A BROOM TO SWEEP MY ROOM
HIS HAIR’S ON MY PILLOW, HIS HAIR’S ON THE FLOOR

HIS HAIR IS EVEN STUCK TO THE DOOR!

(Repeat) THERE’S A D-D-D-D-D-D-D-... etc.
 

(Instrumental solo. During this solo, the following conversation takes place) 

(Anguished cries) Oh! Oh! Oooh!

‘Ere, quick. Get her a brandy.

We ain’t got no brandy!

Well a cup of sweet tea instead then.

We got tea... but the ain’t no sugar!

We gotta do summat... and fast. She’s in shock.

Wrap her up in a blanket.

We can’t!

Why not?

It’s upstairs on that bed. 

So?...

THERE’S A DEAD RUSSIAN GENERAL IN HER BED

DECOMPOSING VERY SLOWLY IN HER BED
THERE’S A ROTTING HUMAN BODY IN HER BED
AND THAT’S AN ASPECT OF THIS NURSING THAT WE DREAD

(Nurses repeat “There a dead Russian General” etc. as below, with MARGE reprising “There’s a D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-... etc.” superimposed over in the form of counterpoint)

THERE’S A DEAD RUSSIAN GENERAL IN HER BED

DECOMPOSING VERY SLOWLY IN HER BED

THERE’S A ROTTING HUMAN BODY IN HER BED

AND THAT’S AN ASPECT OF THIS NURSING

AN ASPECT OF THIS NURSING
AN ASPECT OF THIS NURSING THAT WE DREAD!

(Last line) SOMEBODY TAKE THE BODY AWAY! YEAH!

                                                  (Song ends)

I’ll go and find someone to ‘elp remove the body while you lot finds the brooms and gets on wiv cleanin’ up the mess.

(Exit all nurses. Enter DR CUMMINGS, DR LAWSON and DR SMITH)

(Pompously) If we’re not very careful, these nurses are going to completely take over.

I fear you could be right Doctor Cumming. Ever since the moment she stepped foot in the place, that wretched Nightingale woman has done nothing but chase around offering assistance to the Orderlies.

I thoroughly resent the way in which she’s simply using her family connections to barge in and interfere.

... take over, even. (Enter FLO)

Shush Doctor Cummings, here she comes.

Good evening Gentlemen. My nurses are settling in and are ready to help in any way you deem necessary.

If you’ll excuse me, I am extremely busy. (Exit DR CUMMING)

I understand food is in short supply. I have a large quantity of stores which I purchased in

Marseilles. I would be pleased to distribute the food to your request.

Can this wait until later? I must go and attend to an injured soldier.

(Exit DR SMITH)

We will be only too pleased to help care for the injured. All you have to do is ask and my nurses will be happy to assist.
(Snaps)  May I respectfully point out... madam, that it is the responsibility of the army to attend to the sick. The hospital Orderlies look after the injured here, so why don‘t you leave it to them?

(DR LAWSON storms off. Enter a group of nurses with cleaning materials and old linen)

I see you have begun to clean up in here. I trust your activities have been confined solely to our quarters and that you have not gone against my strict orders.

Strict orders ma’am?

That you will not give any assistance to anyone else until a doctor asks for help.

No way ma’am... on me life.

Some of us have come from queuing in the corridor for our precious pint of water. We could ‘ear the cries from the wounded. It was unbearable. Some were beggin’ to be helped.

The doctors are obviously deliberately ignoring and avoiding us. All my offers of help have been refused. We do not wish to interfere with the work of the hospital other than to be completely subservient to the doctors. We cannot possibly accomplish anything until we win their confidence. I have therefore decided that, unless we have a direction from a doctor, we will make no further offers of help. To make yourself useful in the meantime, some of you can sort out that old linen. I’ll be back shortly. (Exit FLO)

I didn’t come all this way just to sort linen.

What about all those terrible injured men we saw arrivin’? We can’t just stand by and ignore their cries for ‘elp, surely.

Since when ‘ave you bin bovvered ‘bout dyin’ men Daisy? I thought the only fing that bovvered you was your bottle of gin emptyin’ out. (DAISY moves to clout MARY)

Daisy! Make yourself useful and come and look at this. Boxes packed full of medical supplies. There are men in the ‘ospital cryin’ out for these.

Miss Nightingale must ‘ear all that terrible moanin’ as well, yet she don’t seem to do anythin’.

If it was your ‘usband dyin’ in there... would you wait until someone asked you for ‘elp? 

No I wouldn’t.

So why are we standin’ ‘ere? Why don’t we just take these supplies and start straight away then?

Are you goin’ to go against Miss Nightingale’s orders? She said not to assist, unless the doctors asked, especial like.

We’re nurses, aren’t we? It’s our duty to tend the sick... are we all agreed?
Yeah.

Right then. Pick up them stores and let’s go. (Enter FLO)
Let’s go where Daisy? (Pause) I repeat, let’s go where? (Pause) Have you all lost your tongues?

We can’t stay ‘ere, surrounded by all these supplies, listening to them men crying out for food and help. We didn’t come all this way just to count linen and stores.

Daisy, if it hadn’t been for me, you wouldn’t have come all this way at all. Only a few minutes ago, I told you why we wouldn’t help unless asked. I am beyond the point of trying to explain. Do I have to remind you, yet again, that before we left England you all signed a contract agreeing to obey my word. Let me make my position abundantly clear. No nurse will enter a ward unless I say so. When you have finished counting the stores, you can begin to make shirts, pillows, stump rests and slings until such time the doctors make a request for these items. It’s getting late... you had better get to your rooms. (Distant rumble of thunder) A storm seems to be brewing and we could be in for a restless night. I suggest you get some sleep while you can.

(Exit all nurses. FLO goes and sits quietly in a corner, almost out of sight, and overhears the following conversation. Enter DR MENZIES and DR SMITH)

Hundreds of wounded soldiers are flooding into the hospital. If we don’t get some extra help and supplies soon, we won’t be able to cope.

We seem to have no option to ask Miss Nightingale for her assistance.

I was hoping we would find her still awake. I can’t imagine anyone sleeping through this storm.   

Every available person is helping. Even the Chaplin is assisting with operations.

To make matters worse, several boat loads of injured men have arrived from the Battle of Balaclava. (Lightning and a clap of thunder as FLO emerges from the shadows)

Good evening gentlemen.
Miss Nightingale... you startled us.

I was on my way to bed but there’s little chance of sleep in this storm, don’t you think?
I must talk to you about a very urgent situation. We have most unexpectedly received many extra wounded soldiers. We’ve suffered heavy casualties during the Battle of Balaclava. Our resources are stretched to the limit, the authorities have been utterly overwhelmed and we desperately need all the help we can gather together.

Is this an official request for help? 
The sick are pouring in.

The wards are full to overflowing and there is absolute chaos everywhere. This is an official request for help. Indeed, yes.

Very well. I will instruct my nurses to go down to the harbour immediately.

(Loud clap of thunder)

Please hurry. The storm grows worse by the minute.​

(Exit DR MENZIES, DR SMITH and FLO. The storm grows in intensity and volume. We see the nurses, in semi-darkness, helping wounded soldiers from the rickety landing stage and up a muddy track to the hospital. Men cry out for help. Some are roughly manhandled on stretchers, others struggle and fall with every step. The scene is one of total confusion. The storm rises to a crescendo and a final clap of thunder. Blackout)